looking in.

I don't know what to call the problem that I seem to have, other than simply over investing, putting myself in it to much, or taking things to heart, whatever you want to call it... I do it, and too often for my own good.

It seems to come up in both personal and work lives, reviews, evaluations and well... just walking down the street. But I tend to put all of me, into all that I do, in turn... when someone sees it differently or worst points out something that I desire to change but cannot manage to make happen, it is all the worse. I try to look at it positively, to realise that they are not in my shoes so they don't really have the complete picture, but I still do get a little pain in my heart.

I know my life isn't perfect, my dog is absolutely insane, and my store is not absolutely ideal... but what in life really is, and if it were, would we be any happier? Would we realise it or is it part of human nature to be programmed to constantly think something is wrong? I am sure it isn't for everyone, probably just crazy ocd personality type A's like me.

It is easy to look at someone else, or something else and come up with a laundry list to improve, to change... but I do have to step back and realise that is healthy for people to do to me, for me and to realise just how small the things are that they are pointing out. It is because they feel like it is their job to do that, though their way isn't perfect either.

I have come to realise lately that I hold very high standards and "rules" not only for myself but for those around me, both people and things, basically everything. It is a bit freeing coming to this realisation, it really helps me to realise why I make some of the decisions I do. Why I feel a bit of inner battle when someone asks me if I wan to go out on a Friday night... usually it is because I don't really want to, but I feel like I should, then I don't have all that amazing of a time either because I simply am genuinely not having a great time or because I feel like I need to have a great time, thus putting myself under pressure to have a good time and in turn... not. It is a liberating feeling to realise that you can say no... and how wonderful it is to spend the time on your own, which I love doing.

That is one benefit of growing up as an only child. I don't feel like I need people around for me to enjoy myself, I don't need anyone else there to have an absolutely amazing time, which I think is a very good ability to have.

I hope everyone finds a bit of piece in their own lives, and realise that you can do whatever it is that you want to do... don't listen to the silly rules in your own head, go ahead and have chocolate cake as your dinner! :)