a long time since writing.

--another old one I found, wanted to share it though, this would be from January or February. ---


I haven't written in a long time, a really long time! I don't know why, I just haven't found the motivation to sit down and put my fingers to the keyboard. Dealing with a computer so much at work that is so frustrating and pathetic I don't have much of an urge to get onto it when I get home. A lot has happened since I last typed though, many thoughts and feelings, ups and downs. We have gone on holiday to Australia and ended up seeing a bit of Singapore due to an unfortunate illness.

I have been thinking a lot, though I am not sure if it is more than normal I am actually getting somewhere with it. You know, like those great revelations that feel like the something from oh, I don't know... the past 10, 15 or so years of your life has suddenly been explained. I have been seeing a "counsellor" if you will to help me figure out a few things, it has helped a lot, though most of it I really knew it is making me think of it in a different way. Cognitive behavioural therapy. I am beginning realise how hard I am on myself.

One of the problems I had, though I honestly didn't think it could be solved as it is something I remember dealing with from a young age was death. Though I am sure it is an uncomfortable topic for many, it causes weird little mini anxiety attacks in me. If I am lying, it forces me to sit, if not stand up sharply, quickly. If standing, I must pace around... there is a pattern or stream of thoughts that flutter themselves through my head and they are triggered from nothing, often times quite the opposite, from pure bliss this horrible pattern emerges. I have come a log way on dealing with it, and I am beginning to understand some of where it stems from.

We were watching a movie the other night, the beginners... very cute and quirky, I would recommend you watch it. The story goes back and forth between what is "now" and the time leading up to his father's death. The main character makes a statement, it is just after the hospice worker gives him the news that his father has passed away. He talks about how quick it all seems to happen after that. His father is a life loving man, and the main character (the son) ends up in a relationship that made me realise how much alive it is that I feel, how in love, and how inspired by every moment.

Through the part described I realised something, what hospice meant to me, and how horrible and unfair I felt life was. For those that don't know, my best friend growing up lost her mother when we were in the 6th grade. I remember seeing it all unfold from the headaches to the hospital visits to the treatments and then to hospice, the funeral and figuring out life afterwards. You like to think that the old age of 11 or whatever it is you are in the 6th grade that you know so much, but looking back I realise that the only person I had known to die before this point was my papaw, and I didn't have much of a relationship with him. That was not how life was supposed to go, you aren't supposed to grow up without a parent and in a nice way, I now realise how much the whole situation really just pissed me off. I was the supportive friend though, and then I was the supportive role again senior year when another good friend lost her mother, between the two during freshman year I lost a friend that was my age. Senior year also held with it saying goodbye to my grandfather only to move into uni where thankfully things stayed calm. In grad-school it was then my uncle and once I was "an adult" finally in the real world, it was my mamaw. I know I have spoken about her before, if not several of them.

I realise now how confused it left me, how unfair I saw life and what a distorted it left me that it was somehow normal to lose people early in life. I am slowly learning to realise though that it isn't.