I snuggle, hug and kiss Baxter daily, tell him how much I love him and goof around with him day in and day out. I have realized how much he has brought to our lives before, how much we laugh at him and how he has caused us to have thoughts on what it will be like when we have children, though the children you cannot toss a bone to and lock them in the flat for a few hours. The children will also be able to go on holiday with us and be welcomed at most restraints and shops where Mr. Baxter... is not. There are huge differences, I don't want anyone with a child to think I am saying they are the same... it is just a good.. test run if you will to ease us into the concept of having something that is fully dependent upon us, on our schedule, on us for everything to survive.
It wasn't until today when I saw a preview for a show they will be airing on Animal Planet that it hit me, how much Baxter really has saved me. The shows concept is on victims of 9/11 ten years later, it shows two families and how them having a dog has made such a difference. One is a mother who lost both of her firefighter sons, whom has adopted one of theirs Dalmatians. The other is a little girl whom at the age of 2 (i think) fled from the building with her nanny. She was suffering obviously from PTSD and her mother had the idea to get her a little Yorkie. They talked about how she began to become her old self. She now 10 years later speaks about how the dog truly saved her and brought her to who she is.
Moving here was difficult, it still is tough being here at times. My friends are thousands of miles away. I have made acquaintances here, but no one (other than Alex) who knows what I am thinking without me saying anything, or who understands me through mumbles, knows which places I would and wouldn't go for lunch or understands strange bits about me, these kinds of relationships are hard to find and once found, they don't happen overnight. I was lonely, really lonely and cried and struggled a lot. Alex did and continues to do all he can but there is just a limit to how much one person can do for you. In February we found the new member of our family that we had been looking for, and he will never know the impact he has had on our lives.
He gives me something to take care of and loves you when you;re in a good mood or bad. He has a funny way of knowing when I am upset or crying and manages to calm his usually crazy self down. He picks up on the weird games I make up and Alex reminds me how weird I am... Baxter plays right along. And against one of my biggest fears, he snuggles with me all the time and gives me lots of licks. I have never seen or heard of a dog being so snugly ever. He is the best puppy spooner!
I thank Alex for making the trip to Wales and buying me the most perfect for us dog ever all the time. I don't want to think of how my emotions might have struggled with out him, as they still have some pretty rough days. He gives a lick, and you know not only do I have my partner in life on my side and there to help, but also a furry fella that helped my sanity beyond measure.
They say dog is man's best friend, and I believe it now more than ever, they are life changing and make an incredible difference!
Friday, 26 August 2011
Thursday, 25 August 2011
Cutting the meat
I have issues with some foods, this is not new news to most who know me well, one of the foods, that I tend to have the biggest issue with is... MEAT! I can't deal with it in a lot of states, it isn't the tenderness in my heart for animals (except when it comes to rabbit and duck, these... that is added in and I just can't deal, it is like a dog to me, the thought is unimaginable, though that is not all true, I have tried them... Alex has prepared them and I have tried.) It is something about the bones, the tendons, the bits... ugh. Alex has gotten to the point to understand that he is the one in charge of dealing with it. He takes care of the de-boning and the picking up after the meat products. which I am thankful for!
I have dabbled with the idea of becoming vegitaian before, though never followed through. We think about it at times, but it would be difficult with out Alex buying into the idea so... he has bought into the idea of cutting down on it.
Many people don't think at all about what is put in their bodies, that makes everything easier... but it is like sticking your head in a hole... how is it any different than not voting and complaining for the entire term about who was elected... or never studying and being upset of your grade.... never going for a walk/run/exercise and wondering why you are out of breath when you do have to walk... there is simply no excuse.
I myself am not without guilt, I do still drink Diet coke... though I am proud to say I am down to one a day at the most... and will continue to drop. But it is about the consciousness. Do you realize what is goign into your body, what those ingredients are, what you are ingesting an what it does to both your mind, and waist line. We all often forget of the impact that our ingestion has on our mental health.
I have dabbled with the idea of becoming vegitaian before, though never followed through. We think about it at times, but it would be difficult with out Alex buying into the idea so... he has bought into the idea of cutting down on it.
Many people don't think at all about what is put in their bodies, that makes everything easier... but it is like sticking your head in a hole... how is it any different than not voting and complaining for the entire term about who was elected... or never studying and being upset of your grade.... never going for a walk/run/exercise and wondering why you are out of breath when you do have to walk... there is simply no excuse.
I myself am not without guilt, I do still drink Diet coke... though I am proud to say I am down to one a day at the most... and will continue to drop. But it is about the consciousness. Do you realize what is goign into your body, what those ingredients are, what you are ingesting an what it does to both your mind, and waist line. We all often forget of the impact that our ingestion has on our mental health.
Thursday, 18 August 2011
getting you back to you
The first weekend in August we went to Belgium to celebrate our anniversary and hang out with some friends, it was truly a great time. We took the Eurostar so there was no pain and stress from the airport and air travel, which was a welcomed change after our slew of flights. We got home not all too late as we had been getting home from holiday at one or two am.... so our 9 pm return was wonderful. We had decided to have a box of Kraft Macaroni and Cheese left by my mom when she had come to visit. As I made it Alex made the comment of how it must bring me a bit of comfort to make something so familiar to me, a food which should be accredited for the main source of my nutrition growing up (sadly enough).
When he said that something in me clicked, ya, it is comforting, it is familiar. The up and coming Twinings adverts have the theme of getting you back to you... when Alex said to me what a comfort making the meal must feel like it clicked, it in a way... got me back to me... I then began to think of those other small things that are just me. When they happen, we I do them, whatever the case may be, I just feel at absolute ease, comfort, familiarity. Some, I can do anywhere, others, are specific to location, then some, sadly, will probably never happen.
Running to the left from the sequoita park, parking lot, the route to the school and back, four miles in total, ear phones in and the promise of a wonderful sonic vanilla diet Dr.. pepper awaiting me for reward... maybe a McAlisters chocolate chip cookie if I am feeling extra generous. Then there is the sushi take away ritual, this is the one I am quite sure is not replaceable. Part of what made it so wonderful that it was just me, going home, to my apartment, all alone, spreading out my feast on the coffee table (now gone as well) and watching some favorite programing. It could be Nakatos or Ocean Zen, but to do the job at it's best, it would of course be Nakatos. I am ok that this can never happen again, It is sad to me but I will get on. Other such things are going to the Plaza for a day of shopping in Kansas City. Again, for the greatest effect it would be me by myself, alone, on a days get away. There are several others, going for a walk in the park with Carrie, or Ashley (or at the Y), eating banana surprise while sitting on my couch and relaxing which I haven't had here in London as they don't have mini chocolate chips. Having the chocolate chip cookie dough concoction made in the microwave with ice cream and berries... this is best enjoyed with Molly... then there is often ache and complaints of our overfull overly indulged stomach.
In London I haven't found as many of these special rituals, I do feel at absolute ease when visiting whole foods in South Kinsington, I feel a special ease roaming the high street of Hampstead or Crouch end. Snuggling with Baxter, that is pure wonderfulness.
These are the wonderful things in life that go un-noticed, the things that you don't think about, you just do, they bring you comfort and peace on ordinary days and in times of distress and life's trials and tribulations.
I encourage everyone to look into the things that get them back to themselves, relish those moments, and realize the great value they really have.
When he said that something in me clicked, ya, it is comforting, it is familiar. The up and coming Twinings adverts have the theme of getting you back to you... when Alex said to me what a comfort making the meal must feel like it clicked, it in a way... got me back to me... I then began to think of those other small things that are just me. When they happen, we I do them, whatever the case may be, I just feel at absolute ease, comfort, familiarity. Some, I can do anywhere, others, are specific to location, then some, sadly, will probably never happen.
Running to the left from the sequoita park, parking lot, the route to the school and back, four miles in total, ear phones in and the promise of a wonderful sonic vanilla diet Dr.. pepper awaiting me for reward... maybe a McAlisters chocolate chip cookie if I am feeling extra generous. Then there is the sushi take away ritual, this is the one I am quite sure is not replaceable. Part of what made it so wonderful that it was just me, going home, to my apartment, all alone, spreading out my feast on the coffee table (now gone as well) and watching some favorite programing. It could be Nakatos or Ocean Zen, but to do the job at it's best, it would of course be Nakatos. I am ok that this can never happen again, It is sad to me but I will get on. Other such things are going to the Plaza for a day of shopping in Kansas City. Again, for the greatest effect it would be me by myself, alone, on a days get away. There are several others, going for a walk in the park with Carrie, or Ashley (or at the Y), eating banana surprise while sitting on my couch and relaxing which I haven't had here in London as they don't have mini chocolate chips. Having the chocolate chip cookie dough concoction made in the microwave with ice cream and berries... this is best enjoyed with Molly... then there is often ache and complaints of our overfull overly indulged stomach.
In London I haven't found as many of these special rituals, I do feel at absolute ease when visiting whole foods in South Kinsington, I feel a special ease roaming the high street of Hampstead or Crouch end. Snuggling with Baxter, that is pure wonderfulness.
These are the wonderful things in life that go un-noticed, the things that you don't think about, you just do, they bring you comfort and peace on ordinary days and in times of distress and life's trials and tribulations.
I encourage everyone to look into the things that get them back to themselves, relish those moments, and realize the great value they really have.
Sunday, 14 August 2011
Unknown fear
What is it about Americans that leaves people thinking so many American's are out of touch with the rest of the world? This was one of the many topics discussed on my recent trip to Belgium. As I explained away possible reasons I found myself sharing the explanation I realized was my excuse as to why I feel so out of touch, why I did, and why I still do. Traveling more and more definitely helps, but there is still a distance that I have from the realities of the real World. I have no idea what it is like to live the type of life that so many others do. I need for nothing, I want for a lot, but not really all that much, and all of it is merely wanting. I don't know what it is like to go to bed hungry (short of the occasional fast required for blood work). I don't know what it is like to go to bed or wake up scared, not on a usual basis at least, most of what I fear is truly my imagination. I have healthcare, be in private or public dependent upon my country of residence.
This gap has become more aware to me as I experience bits and pieces of the way that the other world lives day in and day out. Still, my experiences are on very low levels, but none the less, it makes me aware of my utter ignorance and lack of true understanding to what their lives must be like.
For Alex's birthday we went to Morocco. I was excited, for all but the flight, and we did have a great time, looking back. We got there and I was excited and in awe because of the differentness we were surrounded by, I still remember the wonderful sweet man that drove us to and from our raid, most of the people we truly encountered were wonderful. Though it was there people we didn't interact with that caused me stress, a lot of stress. I felt like they saw me as an enemy, like they must hate me, I couldn't see a lot of their faces due to traditional coverings and I didn't know what hate for me they were hiding under there. I know that this is not true, but to me, the fear was real. It only became all the more real when standing right next to the hotel/ cafe that a bomb had been set off a month before, our wonderful lonely planet guide book had even instructed us to go there for a drink. Then there was the call to prayer, I was fine with this throughout the day, they did it several times the call came from the minaret and cycled around for around 10 minutes. I had apparently been so exhausted the first night that I remained unaware of the 4 am calling. On our second night or morning should I say, I heard it loud and clear, 4 AM! Being sunday morning I heard it and assumed that they were calling to wake everyone up for church, once looking at the clock and seeing the time, I went into full on panic mode. Bless Alex and his unending patience with me, at all times of the day or night. I was for sure it was my time, they were coming to get all the infidels, and I was one of them. After much reassurance and much calming I did manage to make it back to sleep, but I feel confidant saying that I did not truly relax the entire trip (my illness at the end did not help but who knows how it played into or was affected by my stress and fear). My fear was not full justified, to me it was, in my wonderful overactive imagination it was, but compared to most, it couldn't have been much different than a normal day in London.
Las week the fear of London was heightened as well. The riots brought a sense of unrest across the entire city, shops closing down early, people fearing if their borough would be the next to get hit. We joked around a lot of the absurdity of our area being one. A friend even made a statement as to what would they benefit from looting crouch end... artisan pastries and yummy mummy buggies. Ha, right. Though on Tuesday as I rode the bus home I saw more and more shops with their windows boarded up, the only part of this familiar to me was as though they were boarding up for a hurricane, but they weren't it was for angry, crazy people. I decided I needed to stop at a local place right away for dinner essentials instead of heading home then back out again. I got off, picked up my bits and bops and headed to check out. As I was searching for Duvel (a Belgium beer, for Alex) a couple near by was joking about how everyone was stocking up on the essentials incase they were unable to leave their flat for weeks, I gave a chuckle and thought nothing of it. After I checked out, I waled outside to be greeted by 8-12 youth, males, hoodies on, pulled up, ready to attack. I could not believe what I was seeing and fear ran through me, I quickly turned the corner to make my walk home when another boy was straight in-front of me. The couple whom had made the joke was also walking in-front of me, I speed up a bit and asked if I could walk close to them to look like we were all together, hoping this would help scare off anyone thinking I was traveling alone. They offered to give me a ride home as their car was there and I gladly accepted. Upon returning home (Alex wasn't expected for another 30-45 minutes). After much terror and freaking out, getting aid from friends on skype and facebook, (thanks Paul, Hilary, and Molly!). Alex made it home, but he was a bit late as he had stopped at a shop too, thinking I would be too flustered to remember to stop. Things were fine, we were not bothered, and from what we have heard and seen nothing around us was disturbed either, but I can not imagine living with that fear or any fear even close regularly.
The fears are gone for now, I can get up and pick up a snack, it all makes me realize how out of touch myself and so many others are with the fears and issues that so many of the world experience on a daily basis. Why I don't understand it because it is so difficult to believe that it could be some ones existence to hold such fear and hardships. What we see on television seems like another world, a movie or game, but it is life and it is very real. I am beyond grateful for my blessing of safety and nourishment, but I need to remember it daily and never take it for granted, because I can't say when riots will break out, or any other unforeseen change may come along.
This gap has become more aware to me as I experience bits and pieces of the way that the other world lives day in and day out. Still, my experiences are on very low levels, but none the less, it makes me aware of my utter ignorance and lack of true understanding to what their lives must be like.
For Alex's birthday we went to Morocco. I was excited, for all but the flight, and we did have a great time, looking back. We got there and I was excited and in awe because of the differentness we were surrounded by, I still remember the wonderful sweet man that drove us to and from our raid, most of the people we truly encountered were wonderful. Though it was there people we didn't interact with that caused me stress, a lot of stress. I felt like they saw me as an enemy, like they must hate me, I couldn't see a lot of their faces due to traditional coverings and I didn't know what hate for me they were hiding under there. I know that this is not true, but to me, the fear was real. It only became all the more real when standing right next to the hotel/ cafe that a bomb had been set off a month before, our wonderful lonely planet guide book had even instructed us to go there for a drink. Then there was the call to prayer, I was fine with this throughout the day, they did it several times the call came from the minaret and cycled around for around 10 minutes. I had apparently been so exhausted the first night that I remained unaware of the 4 am calling. On our second night or morning should I say, I heard it loud and clear, 4 AM! Being sunday morning I heard it and assumed that they were calling to wake everyone up for church, once looking at the clock and seeing the time, I went into full on panic mode. Bless Alex and his unending patience with me, at all times of the day or night. I was for sure it was my time, they were coming to get all the infidels, and I was one of them. After much reassurance and much calming I did manage to make it back to sleep, but I feel confidant saying that I did not truly relax the entire trip (my illness at the end did not help but who knows how it played into or was affected by my stress and fear). My fear was not full justified, to me it was, in my wonderful overactive imagination it was, but compared to most, it couldn't have been much different than a normal day in London.
Las week the fear of London was heightened as well. The riots brought a sense of unrest across the entire city, shops closing down early, people fearing if their borough would be the next to get hit. We joked around a lot of the absurdity of our area being one. A friend even made a statement as to what would they benefit from looting crouch end... artisan pastries and yummy mummy buggies. Ha, right. Though on Tuesday as I rode the bus home I saw more and more shops with their windows boarded up, the only part of this familiar to me was as though they were boarding up for a hurricane, but they weren't it was for angry, crazy people. I decided I needed to stop at a local place right away for dinner essentials instead of heading home then back out again. I got off, picked up my bits and bops and headed to check out. As I was searching for Duvel (a Belgium beer, for Alex) a couple near by was joking about how everyone was stocking up on the essentials incase they were unable to leave their flat for weeks, I gave a chuckle and thought nothing of it. After I checked out, I waled outside to be greeted by 8-12 youth, males, hoodies on, pulled up, ready to attack. I could not believe what I was seeing and fear ran through me, I quickly turned the corner to make my walk home when another boy was straight in-front of me. The couple whom had made the joke was also walking in-front of me, I speed up a bit and asked if I could walk close to them to look like we were all together, hoping this would help scare off anyone thinking I was traveling alone. They offered to give me a ride home as their car was there and I gladly accepted. Upon returning home (Alex wasn't expected for another 30-45 minutes). After much terror and freaking out, getting aid from friends on skype and facebook, (thanks Paul, Hilary, and Molly!). Alex made it home, but he was a bit late as he had stopped at a shop too, thinking I would be too flustered to remember to stop. Things were fine, we were not bothered, and from what we have heard and seen nothing around us was disturbed either, but I can not imagine living with that fear or any fear even close regularly.
The fears are gone for now, I can get up and pick up a snack, it all makes me realize how out of touch myself and so many others are with the fears and issues that so many of the world experience on a daily basis. Why I don't understand it because it is so difficult to believe that it could be some ones existence to hold such fear and hardships. What we see on television seems like another world, a movie or game, but it is life and it is very real. I am beyond grateful for my blessing of safety and nourishment, but I need to remember it daily and never take it for granted, because I can't say when riots will break out, or any other unforeseen change may come along.
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