I can't say it was good or bad, though it was, very very different. I cried, every day, I don't think anyone knew other than on Sunday, my birthday, though it didn't feel much like one. I am notoriously a birthday princess, everyone around me did everything in their power to make it a great day, but I was leaving the next day, and not with my best friend (Alex). I can't say I always cried because I was sad, or happy, it was a range.
I cried when I landed, I was relieved to have made it, the first time I had flown alone in a long time let alone without Alex! I cried when I played with Riley the first time, She has gotten old, has a limp and a deep breathing rustle in her lungs. She tries and still shows so much love, and it simply brings my heart to crumbles. At night I saw something in the yard, when I asked my mom about it she told me that was Fagin (our dog who passed away a few months ago) grave, she then hesitated and began to say something about the space next to it, she didn't finish, though I knew what she was saying, it was a spot reserved, for my precious baby Riley. She was a present to me for Valentines day my senior year of High school, a perfect surprise though I had been badgering my parents for a yellow lab for months. I love her and always will, her health does concern me, though to me, she was still my Riley racing me down the drive way on our mini jogs.
Again the tears came as I was so happy to see friends so happy to feel that people understood me and I didn't need to explain myself at every turn, these people know my style, parents, dreams and desires, they know my family and most importantly they love me because I am simply me. I realized this was what I was missing, this is what I longed for a desired with every bit of me. Through College I had arguably more guy friends than girls, though the guys have moved away or married girls who seem to not want to allow our pure and deep friendships to continue (this is a whole different issue). Though i realized it was my girlfriends I missed the most.
I also cried because I felt like I didn't fit, and I realized that I was truly a bit confused. I don't feel like I fully fit in London, nor do I in the US, or at least Springfield/ Kansas City, Missouri. Organic product was beyond difficult and awkward to find. So much of what I eat and care about is with organic food and produce, we recycle, a lot, I forgot how sparse the recycling efforts were, I walk everywhere (or take public transport) though quickly I wondered why someone was walking around Springfield, what a foreign image that is. Times when I need flour and milk, bubbly water (also really difficult to find!) I hate not having a car, and walking it home, though I try to think of it as a workout instead of an annoying inconvenience. I forgot the farmers market only took place on designated days, meat eating is everywhere accompanied by convenience and artificial food. I actually went so far as to take photos in Target so I could show Alex the horrible things I had encountered.
I left longing for England with the feeling my wonderful friends and family gave me. I love not having to "work" at friendships and things coming naturally, knowing history, joys and pains of one another and being able to be brutally honest. I felt it a bit in Australia, that overwhelming feeling of belonging and acceptance, though it wasn't really for me, it was for Alex and I got to benefit by default, the people there don't know me, but they still love me because they love him.
I guess this is a result of being so spread out, bits of my world now being sprinkled across the globe pieces of my heart around the world.
