what's stopping you?

What gives you drive? What makes you do something or stop from doing it? I was recently reading an article in this month’s British Vogue discussing this. Was it our fear of failure that stopped us from trying, or possibly our fear of success? What a novel and very true idea this was. What happens to us when we succeed? What do we do then? Will others be happy for us, or envious of our success? Will they support us on our way? As I read this and began to think of instances in life when I have had something I wanted to do, what was it that encouraged me to do it or held me back from going forward. Things sounds like such a good idea until it comes time to put the pedal to the metal and make it happen. The first instance that pops to my mind of this is well, so much of what is going on in my life. I am not sure where the switch happened or what the trigger was (though I have a good feeling it is the much thanks due to the man sitting across from me as I type this, my wonderful husband, Alex). He encourages me to do anything and everything I show the slightest interest in, sometimes (because I am weird) he almost encourages me too much. I know this sounds odd to many, but I for some reason like to do a lot of things on my own terms. I enjoy running, but I don’t want someone else telling me when to go running. Same goes for painting, I guess in some weird instance when someone else tells me to do it, it is almost reminiscent of having homework or something. You enjoy doing something until it is that you have to do it, the fun is gone.  But why not encourage someone to go for everything, why not try for everything. If you are interested in it… give it a shot! I self reflect and wonder why I don’t do this more than I do. What is it that is stopping me, fear in which essence? Fear of failing or of succeeding. Why do I like to do things such as running on my own terms and in such secrecy? I think that if someone knows where I am, and what I am doing and I fail, miss my mark, then I have let down no one other than myself. At the same time, if I beat it and outdo my initial desires, I don’t want to feel ashamed for doing well, I don’t want to cause jealousy, tension, suspicion as to why I am doing what I am, and whom it might really be for. I have felt this before when running, either someone not believing in me as an individual and that I could never reach the goals I have set out for, or the opposite, some form of odd jealously that I have, and they have not. It truly is those closest to us that have the ability to hurt us the most. They are the one’s who have the access to our inner most layers and thus, the most vulnerable us. Where did we stop being happy for one another and proud of each other and begin to turn every aspect of life into a competition?  (I prefer the first…. As long as it is genuine!) Today, I was encouraged to make a chair from wood, crochet a blanket, complete a series of paintings, and give up dairy (excluding yogurt) for lent, all thanks to one person. What a positive influence, and how easy would it be for it to go in the other direction if he didn’t have the attitude he does. I could easily find myself down on life and not feel capable of following my dreams. It is a bit like a child who’s parent’s are always encouraging them that they can conquer the world if that is their desire, reach for the stars! Those are the types of people I prefer to surround myself with, not the “Debbie downers” who fail to see potential in an individual. I think, if they are genuinely happy for you, it is not a negative feeling you get from succeeding at your dreams which is when you loose your fear of actually succeeding and your fear of failing, because you know that, failure or success is not what it is solely about but so much more, and you have people there to support and encourage you in that. 

So much out there!

I remember as a child sitting in class, it wasn’t as bad when I was younger, but only grew worse and worse, as I grew older. Teachers, I beg of you, for the students in your classes like me… take down your maps.  It took all of my concentration to focus on whatever the current subject matter was that they were trying to teach was, my mind was ready to escape into the world’s on the map. What lay out there that I had not discovered? What wonderful adventures, cultural rituals and beautiful places were waiting for me? I was fortunate as a child to travel around much of the US with my parent’s, it wasn’t until I was older that I realized what a blessing this was. In high school I came to London for the first time and fell in love with the enchantment that it offered. During college I ventured around Mexico a bit along with a host of various European countries and cities seeing the sites, exploring the back roads and little did I know at the time, meeting Alex during one of those adventures. Then again during college I came back to France, Italy and Monaco to continue in explorations. I continued to travel around the US but had an itch to see more, go more and do more. Now, now we live here. We live in London where we can go to so many places in such a short time, they are such a short distance and in most cases not too expensive to get to. I realized I am blessed to have gone where I have and done what I have, and I may sounds a bit like a brat saying it, but for me, it is simply not enough. I know that there is still a huge world out there waiting for me. I have had some opportunities to go to other places, but they were just never the right time or the right opportunity. My father begs me not to go to some locations until after he is no longer on this earth as he doesn’t think he will be able to handle the stress of having me there, in what he see’s as “dangerous locations” I have humored him to this point, but I am quite selfish, and I want my father to be here, and I want to explore the vast unknown (to me). I remember in college my friend Alise and I signed up for a class together, “History of modern Africa.” Yes, that was the title, I know it does not make heaps of sense, but when you took the course it began to unfold, the history of how and why Africa is where it is now, the bits leading up the current. I remember sitting in class and learning about the cultures, the rituals the beautiful landscape and then the war, the civil unrest and the pandemics that run ramped. I still remember leaving class one day, getting in my car and driving home and simply weeping, weeping uncontrollable tears at what I felt was the great unfairness of the beauty that was there, one thing in particular was Victoria falls, and the fear that I (selfishly) would possibly never be able to see it due to the unrest. What an unjust world that was in my mind. What an unfair horrible injustice.

While in Amsterdam our hotel had quotes all over the walls in the hallways to the rooms, the favorite one I saw in passing was by St. Augustine, “The World is a book, and those who do not travel only read one page.” What a true thought, how many people are missing out on the world, on the adventure that we are blessed with in our planet. I am still amazed when I meet someone whom has never flown at my age, or been out of his or her state, or even country for that matter. The percentage of people who are valid passports is shockingly low! Maybe to them, the national geographic weekly special feature is enough, or, hopefully not… but maybe they don’t think or care about the world outside their national borders. That my friends is the highest form of ignorance I believe to exist!