The battle of my heart...

I don't think a day goes by that I don't swing from one end of the pendulum of my heart to the other. I have had some of the hardest years of my life, I fully believe that they will only get better, but they have not been bad in the normal sense. They have been necessary, rewarding, amazing and the actualization of my dreams. I for some reason always had this deep desire to really have to watch what I spent to decide between "dinner" or vogue.... It still thank heavens has not been so desperate, though not too far off. I feel that it has made me into a different person, a person I like much more, and one that is much better for the world as a whole. We have come a long way in our time in London, from calling on both sets of parent's (thank God for them!) for aid and assistance and transfers to be able to get a flat or to be able to have both a "Thanksgiving" meal as well as the ability to keep our ell phones on in hopes of getting a job in one case and a better job in another.

We eat well, really well, but not because we spend much, because we put thought and planning  and we dress well, but it is mostly items we have had for years. We are truly happy, we have traveled a lot and we have bonded and grown and loved a lot.

I still battle in my heart every day though as to where we are to live. Where is to be our home, to fully settle and expand our family. Due to our past and our passions I am not fully sure that this battle will ever fully disappear though I pray that I get more used to dealing with it or that it settles a bit. Who knew that so many options would make life so much more complicated.

I cannot say that I truly know where it is that I want to be, at least not on a consistent basis. I miss the states like I would have never believed. I have realized a few things considering the U.S. I am truly myself, and this is both somehow simultaneously so dissimilar to the stereotype (thought others may disagree) yet so much the same. I miss the holidays, all the silly little holidays, and the over the top celebration of them, though I am so happy to have added in English and Australian holidays as well. I know I am like some in the U.S. though not the majority (these thoughts shall remain for another time). I miss my friends though I am not ignorant enough to believe that I would be happy there, where I was for the past few years, not all of my friends live there anymore nor did I want to remain. Things change, people grow up and move on. We develop into ourselves more and more.

I love London, I love being in the heart of it all, that our Lonely Planet magazine is focused on travels out of London each month, that we have multiple airports and feel simply at the epicenter of it all. Fashion week is at my backdoor, premiers are around every corner and the olympics are at my place of work.

Australia, ah what is there to say, there is a reason that people flock there, and dream of visiting there their entire life. It is amazing, the weather is wonderful, the vibe... casual, the food great, the beaches and wildlife beyond compare. Not the easiest travel to various other destinations other than Asia or New Zealand though it is a tough contender on the absolutely amazingness of it. I might be a bit biased as I lived a wonderful life while there, one that we could not obtain for a long while, though it is beyond words.

I hate and love that I cannot say I choose one country, that I hands down favour one over another or that I will not miss and regret and long to visit any country out of at least these three that we could easily live in. There are other options, the rest of the EU, though language barriers make general living more difficult, though there are several of these countries and cities that hold very special places in our hearts.

Today was a day more than ever that I felt this battle, there are some problems that are good to have, and this is one, though it is difficult to always feel that way, to hold a positive train of thought and not allow the emotions to overrun.

Feel blessed where you are, and appreciate it, love those around you and cherish your friends all around the world, it just makes more places to visit and more people to see, it makes the world seem that much smaller and it really makes the world your oyster.

Will walk for food...

I realised tonight on my way home, while carrying my reusable bag ( and one grocery story bag: I have began to loathe these bags, I do still use some and find comfort in the fact that we reuse them to pick up after Baxter after he does his business outside.) Anyway... I will be able to share those "annoying" stories with my children someday. Stories of how I had to walk home, in the snow (the past few days) and Ice or heat (though London never really gets HOT), rain or whatever weather comes our way, carrying whatever groceries we were to have at home. This is not a one off, it is a daily process. Those friends who have seen my flat on skype know the size of our kitchen, know that we only have a mini fridge and a few cabinets to house everything need to cook with. Pots, pans, graters, mixing bowls and ingredients. We do use mostly fresh ingredients though there is no doubt that it would be not be absolutely amazing to have both more cabinet space and a much larger fridge. It isn't the most fun to have to choose between milk, sparkling water, white wine and a soft drink or something as to which gets to be cold. Or, the worst... quite possibly a crime... to not be able to fit so much as a tub of ice cream into your freezer! Oh, the horror! OK, well we kind of can, or could if we de-frosted it (a lot) but when we did manage to squeeze it in, it never properly froze it, you needed to eat it straight away, or you end up with something without the thickness of most good milk shakes. We are doing a step competition with work, wearing pedometers around and competing in groups as to who takes the most steps in a week, with this I have discovered that I take roughly 2,200 steps on the way to or from the tube station from our house, there are several different routes I could take, and no, I have not compared differences, just a simple observation.

So, with that said I am excited to have discovered that the tales and tradition of walking distances in the weather to school, or work, or whatever the circumstance might be in the weather will not fade away with earlier generations, but many of us will be able to tell the tales as well.

A few of my favourite recipes!

Though I have always loved food and loved to cook I have gotten into it much more in the past few years. I speak about a lot of wonderful recipes we make, and people consistently ask  me to share them. So, I have decided to put a few onto here. I have separated them by Chef and attached the links.

Please try them, love them, and let me know what you think! :) Enjoy! 

Gweneth Paltrow's: American style pancakes: these are absolutely amazing! You don't have to make it the night before. If you make it then eat straight away do not add the plain milk, only buttermilk (for my uk friends... buttermilk is a bit difficult to find, though larger waitrose do carry it, like the ones at the westfields.) You want the temperature quite low. Also, you should poor some into the pan, that has a bit of butter melted in it (not much just a fingernail size) and poor in about a fist size portion. once little bubbles begin to appear on the top flip it over. I end up flipping them back and forth a few times and might suggest cutting into the middle of your first one to ensure it is fully cooked in the middle, nothing is worse than a doughy pancake. 

http://www.self.com/fooddiet/recipes/2011/05/bruce-paltrows-world-famous-pancakes 

Wonderful bean soup! 

http://www.foodandwine.com/recipes/french-onion-style-white-bean-soup

Tortilla soup: http://blogs.babble.com/family-kitchen/2011/08/24/gwyneth-paltrow-cooking-series-21-tortilla-soup/

We actually just had this for dinner last night, and tonight we took left over soup and made grilled cheese sandwiches (cut into soldiers) and dipped! 

Bill Granger's Tomato soup: This is amazing! It gives a deep roasted twist. 

http://ironchefshellie.com/2010/09/29/tomato-soup-with-cashew-coconut-sambal/ 

Nigel Slater: 

Pumpkin and tomato laksa: 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2005/feb/13/foodanddrink.shopping5

Bolognese: I also make a great vegetarian version of this by substituting the beef and bacon with extra veggies, especially mushrooms. 

http://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/spaghettibolognese_89200

Dal and pumpkin soup: (you can also substitute a number of different squash... I had never heard of the one we ended up using, but the guy at whole foods told me it was close to butternut, just a different colour.) 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2005/jan/16/foodanddrink.shopping

Pizza crust: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/oct/31/nigel-slater-pizza-recipe 

We like to make half of this, it makes to large thin pizzas. There are several toppings we love, though blue cheese with caramelized onions top the list as well as sliced tomatoes, basil and mozzarella. No tomato sauce. 

Puttanesca:  This calls for black olives, though we often use green... a true classic and it is all stuff you can whip up having in your cupboard, I think the only recipe we use like this

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/jun/20/nigel-slater-classic-recipe-spaghetti-alla-puttanesca

Nigella Lawson:  Mellow meatballs. We also make an amazing version of this by taking away the meatballs and adding in extra chickpeas. 

http://www.nigella.com/recipes/view/mellow-meatballs-101

Yotam Ottolenghi: 

Amazing quesadilla: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2008/may/24/recipe.foodanddrink

sweet potato cakes: 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2007/feb/10/foodanddrink.recipes

Jamie Oliver: 

Sea bass, sweet potato mash and asian greens. This is wonderful, and you don't need the bacon to have the great flavour! 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/food/article-1312675/Jamie-Olivers-30-minute-meals-Sea-bass-pancetta-sweet-potato-mash-Asian-greens-berry-ice-cream-sparkling-lemon-ginger-drink.html

bits...

The prescription given to me for my skin allergy and eczema states on it several times to keep  out of reach and sight of children... I find this a bit terrifying.

I don't know why I am surprised when Channel nail polish disappoints me... it's not what they are known for, it's not what you should expect them to be good at.

I think I might be addicted to chocolate milk.

I absolutely hate rolling shopping buggies, I know they have a more specific name for the one I am thinking of, but cannot figure it out. But unless you are an 80 year old woman... carry a few bags! And.... never under any circumstance take them on the underground, so annoying!

I LOVE sparkling water... made even better with a slice of lemon.

I am not sure what it is, but I often times get really home sick for places I have never lived. I guess it isn't really home sick, this feeling would be maybe feeling sick, and longing so deeply for feelings I have had at different places.

I loved our time in Australia far more than I think anyone realises... I had forgotten what it felt like to be around friends, ones that cared about your genuine interests and knows your past (ok, more so Alex since we were in Aus, but I felt so cared about!) and family! Ah!

It is a weird feeling when you realise your comfort foods have changed... and your tastes all together for that matter.

For anyone who doesn't know and cares... I no longer eat any meat other than seafood, long story, really long time coming... but it has been so easy (for me at least, maybe not my husband.)

That is all for now, more to come some other time! x

My story to tell.

I have been questioning a lot lately, more than normal, even for me. What is it that makes us see life the way we do? So many things happen to shape an individual view, one that becomes all your own, that you think is totally normal (and it likely isn't) or one that you think is unique (and it is really all too common).

I sway on a pendulum with certainty between feeling as though I have not experience enough, need to get out and do more, that my life has been simple and sheltered to feeling the depth of all I have experienced, seeing each bit as something that I can own.

While watching a movie recently (The Beginners... I would recommend it for sure, a bit quirky but really good!) I cried, no shocker, these days I dry at the drop of a hat with media programming, though these weren't any tears. I realised that they were not only the predictable tears of sadness, but they were of anger as well. There were notes in the story that struck me where I didn't realise I was vulnerable. There are things I have witnessed, but a part of, support during, that I did not realise had the lasting effect on me that they did. Though I never felt able to talk about it much, they weren't my stories to tell, they were not my grievances or my deaths to mourn, I was the friend, the support. It is only now that I realise what it has done to me, how it has shaped my view of the world, and due to a few friends feel that they are actually my stories to tell as well. My experiences and mine alone are to tell, I cannot account for what it is like to be the young child of a dying parent, that wasn't me. I was the friend, who was there, once through it all and once as we or I didn't see it as a big deal, until it was, and until it was too late. There were a few others, mom's best friend, a personal friend, uncle, grandparent's.

I have made another revelation in it all, through another death that is quite liberating, and I am glad to have discovered. I had not realised but my experiences had shaped that it was normal, if not somewhat expected to lose a parent early in life, not always in school, but twenties, thirties, etc... I see that point of view now as a defence mechanism, I saw it happen around me, so it was likely to happen to me as well, something I would have to deal with soon, though I am learning to realise that this is not the norm in the society we live in. My mother in law lost her mother this year, she is in her early 60's, and her mother lived a long wonderful life and passed away at 97 (to Alex's memory). What a freeing thing to realise, I know that I must face these trouble someday, but I can let go of expecting to deal with the pains so soon. I know it can, happen, anything can, but it isn't healthy for me to worry that it is.

Though in these cases I am not a main character, but a supporting role, I too have a view point, and vantage point, I have a story to tell, and one that I now realise is mine to share.

When my world stopped turning...

All news reports have been 9/11 focused the last week, I have to be honest and say that it in conjunction with working from home (has it's pros and con's) has not helped my emotional levels and anxiety issues. We have watched documentaries and been bombarded with news reports of the possibility of yet another attack. I didn't personally know anyone that died that day, but i knew the fear that many felt, the confusion and the disillusion of what the World was becoming.

It happened my senior year of high school... year 12... or the last year of high school/ college for all of my non-American friends. I was in computer class, doing my work without a clue of what was happening in the outside world. We were all scheduled to attend an assembly in the gymnasium in honor of one of our teachers... Mr. Collins, he was being honored as teacher of the year for the state I believe, or something similar. As we made our way to the doors, a few friends ran up informing me that the world was ending, the world as we knew it, they told of the crashes and the terror and the fear... though I am not sure it had fully sunk in. We went through the assembly, obviously a bit different as the teachers had a responsibility of dealing with hundreds of kids and our questions, concerns and issues. I then headed to college English with Mrs. Davila, we sat on our desks that were tables and stared in unison at the television as long as was possible, the same scenes over and over, the planes flying into the buildings... the terror on the faces of those fleeing the building, the security that was going into effect around the rest of the country. Tara, my best friend growing up, we realized was wearing a shirt that day, it read New York on it and had the skyline in the background, the twin towers standing tall and proud.

I left school that day to meet up with a friend, Gay Bates, to go to dinner and shopping. We kept with our plans, not really knowing what else to do. But when we got to the shops, half of them had closed down, the restaurant  we ate at had the news blasting on every television. I stopped on the way home behind the lines of people to get gas, as the nation was unsure of what would become of our fuel supply, of everything. And I got news that my dad's work was under careful surveillance, the nuclear power plant was enforcing a no fly zone over their premises and they were under ultra high security.

That is all I really remember about it, I think I mentally removed myself from the rest of it, wouldn't let it really sink in or really deal with the fear it caused me to have.

For a final project in that college English course we did a copulation of our own writings, there were several titles we were given to walk us through our lives. We had the leisure to change them if we felt like they didn't relate to us. I don't remember what the topic had been, but I remember making it into "where was I when my world stopped turning" It had stories of friends parent's passing away, a friend of mine dying, Princess Diana dying, 9/11, and Columbine. Since then, there have been many other stories that could be added to this chapter, all playing a huge part of my life, and the more I come to understand myself, the more I realize that I have not dealt with so many of them to the extent they deserved, or that my heart has needed.  

I hope that as tomorrow comes and goes, the world stays calm, remembers and takes time to realize how blessed we all are, how much we take for grated and to stop and truly enjoy life and what we have!

A child in a grown up world

It amazes me how I have a "real" job, pay rent and live this grown up life of bills and responsibilities... and yet.... I feel like an absolute child so much of the time. These bumps (the doctor says it's an allergic reaction, of course it is, my stupid over sensitive skin), I have been given some prescription cream, but it isn't helping now and all I want to do is itch it, Alex the parent in the situation gets onto me and forces me to stop. And shocker, I don't want to! I want to scratch and itch until I can't possibly do it any longer, if it were up to me, the irresponsible child in the situation I would probably go until my skin gave way and I began to bleed.
I don't like it and it's not fair, but then... life is not fair I guess. In my full adult rational I have deducted shopping would help! Ah, if only! I have made my basket, and filled it up on the Internet... the items will sell, and go home to someone else's address, be wonderful surprises in their boxes and adorn their bodies on wonderful fun adventures.

I feel my natural coping mechanisms kicking in... mine, it is reversion! I want to cuddle up in a blanket, with a big bowl of ice cream and watch shows and movies from years ago, springing to mind are boy meets world and home improvement.

The difference in my mind is that as a child it is all harmless, it would be some silly little thing, I would be able to curl up and watch all the silly little shows I wanted to, my mom would bring me the bowls of ice cream and dad would make the best cinnamon toast the world has ever known. I would lay on the floor on a make shift pallet of the downstairs den and be pampered to my hearts desire. The reality of now, Alex also does not feel well, he has more of a cold which thank God I have not caught yet, the two together would be even more miserable. So, I still help cook, and clean, and take care of Baxter, the household responsibilities are still there and we don't have any ice cream... or enough blankets to make a pallet.

I hope that some day I am able to spoil my children the way I remember it, so the horrible times of coughs, itches, aches and all the pains that are unavoidable during a lifetime so the time passes by and what is left are the good memories of it.