what's stopping you?

What gives you drive? What makes you do something or stop from doing it? I was recently reading an article in this month’s British Vogue discussing this. Was it our fear of failure that stopped us from trying, or possibly our fear of success? What a novel and very true idea this was. What happens to us when we succeed? What do we do then? Will others be happy for us, or envious of our success? Will they support us on our way? As I read this and began to think of instances in life when I have had something I wanted to do, what was it that encouraged me to do it or held me back from going forward. Things sounds like such a good idea until it comes time to put the pedal to the metal and make it happen. The first instance that pops to my mind of this is well, so much of what is going on in my life. I am not sure where the switch happened or what the trigger was (though I have a good feeling it is the much thanks due to the man sitting across from me as I type this, my wonderful husband, Alex). He encourages me to do anything and everything I show the slightest interest in, sometimes (because I am weird) he almost encourages me too much. I know this sounds odd to many, but I for some reason like to do a lot of things on my own terms. I enjoy running, but I don’t want someone else telling me when to go running. Same goes for painting, I guess in some weird instance when someone else tells me to do it, it is almost reminiscent of having homework or something. You enjoy doing something until it is that you have to do it, the fun is gone.  But why not encourage someone to go for everything, why not try for everything. If you are interested in it… give it a shot! I self reflect and wonder why I don’t do this more than I do. What is it that is stopping me, fear in which essence? Fear of failing or of succeeding. Why do I like to do things such as running on my own terms and in such secrecy? I think that if someone knows where I am, and what I am doing and I fail, miss my mark, then I have let down no one other than myself. At the same time, if I beat it and outdo my initial desires, I don’t want to feel ashamed for doing well, I don’t want to cause jealousy, tension, suspicion as to why I am doing what I am, and whom it might really be for. I have felt this before when running, either someone not believing in me as an individual and that I could never reach the goals I have set out for, or the opposite, some form of odd jealously that I have, and they have not. It truly is those closest to us that have the ability to hurt us the most. They are the one’s who have the access to our inner most layers and thus, the most vulnerable us. Where did we stop being happy for one another and proud of each other and begin to turn every aspect of life into a competition?  (I prefer the first…. As long as it is genuine!) Today, I was encouraged to make a chair from wood, crochet a blanket, complete a series of paintings, and give up dairy (excluding yogurt) for lent, all thanks to one person. What a positive influence, and how easy would it be for it to go in the other direction if he didn’t have the attitude he does. I could easily find myself down on life and not feel capable of following my dreams. It is a bit like a child who’s parent’s are always encouraging them that they can conquer the world if that is their desire, reach for the stars! Those are the types of people I prefer to surround myself with, not the “Debbie downers” who fail to see potential in an individual. I think, if they are genuinely happy for you, it is not a negative feeling you get from succeeding at your dreams which is when you loose your fear of actually succeeding and your fear of failing, because you know that, failure or success is not what it is solely about but so much more, and you have people there to support and encourage you in that. 

So much out there!

I remember as a child sitting in class, it wasn’t as bad when I was younger, but only grew worse and worse, as I grew older. Teachers, I beg of you, for the students in your classes like me… take down your maps.  It took all of my concentration to focus on whatever the current subject matter was that they were trying to teach was, my mind was ready to escape into the world’s on the map. What lay out there that I had not discovered? What wonderful adventures, cultural rituals and beautiful places were waiting for me? I was fortunate as a child to travel around much of the US with my parent’s, it wasn’t until I was older that I realized what a blessing this was. In high school I came to London for the first time and fell in love with the enchantment that it offered. During college I ventured around Mexico a bit along with a host of various European countries and cities seeing the sites, exploring the back roads and little did I know at the time, meeting Alex during one of those adventures. Then again during college I came back to France, Italy and Monaco to continue in explorations. I continued to travel around the US but had an itch to see more, go more and do more. Now, now we live here. We live in London where we can go to so many places in such a short time, they are such a short distance and in most cases not too expensive to get to. I realized I am blessed to have gone where I have and done what I have, and I may sounds a bit like a brat saying it, but for me, it is simply not enough. I know that there is still a huge world out there waiting for me. I have had some opportunities to go to other places, but they were just never the right time or the right opportunity. My father begs me not to go to some locations until after he is no longer on this earth as he doesn’t think he will be able to handle the stress of having me there, in what he see’s as “dangerous locations” I have humored him to this point, but I am quite selfish, and I want my father to be here, and I want to explore the vast unknown (to me). I remember in college my friend Alise and I signed up for a class together, “History of modern Africa.” Yes, that was the title, I know it does not make heaps of sense, but when you took the course it began to unfold, the history of how and why Africa is where it is now, the bits leading up the current. I remember sitting in class and learning about the cultures, the rituals the beautiful landscape and then the war, the civil unrest and the pandemics that run ramped. I still remember leaving class one day, getting in my car and driving home and simply weeping, weeping uncontrollable tears at what I felt was the great unfairness of the beauty that was there, one thing in particular was Victoria falls, and the fear that I (selfishly) would possibly never be able to see it due to the unrest. What an unjust world that was in my mind. What an unfair horrible injustice.

While in Amsterdam our hotel had quotes all over the walls in the hallways to the rooms, the favorite one I saw in passing was by St. Augustine, “The World is a book, and those who do not travel only read one page.” What a true thought, how many people are missing out on the world, on the adventure that we are blessed with in our planet. I am still amazed when I meet someone whom has never flown at my age, or been out of his or her state, or even country for that matter. The percentage of people who are valid passports is shockingly low! Maybe to them, the national geographic weekly special feature is enough, or, hopefully not… but maybe they don’t think or care about the world outside their national borders. That my friends is the highest form of ignorance I believe to exist! 

traffic...

I write to you from aboard our train to the coast, headed to meet a ferry then on across the North Sea to the Netherlands, once again onto a train and into Amsterdam. The world of travel amazes me frequently. As we were on the way marching like fire ants through the tunnels of the London underground I began to analyze this situation we were in. Arms bogged down with suitcases, arm-to-arm, body-to-body against the masses. We made our way, onto the appropriate underground train and stood packed next to our fellow patrons. This is where my thinking started to kick in. I felt like, we were stuck in traffic, the jam packed, cannot go anywhere, no side roads to take kind of traffic, left without an alternative.  Up to this point I had loved the underground travel to and from work, it allowed me the leisure of reading more books than I think I have read in my life, at least in a shorter time frame, I could thoughtlessly sit there and wait for my stop, I feel similar to a child on the school bus, waiting my turn to get out, being served by some master driver guiding us on our way. But then, as we are here, in this mass of “people traffic” I wonder, would I prefer to be in the comfort of my own car, have my own climate control, the ability to roll down my window and or sun roof to enjoy the wonders of fresh air, something you do not get in the underground. My own music, the ability to speak on my mobile phone, which did I really prefer more? To be honest, I don’t know, I loved my car- Emma, as many of you know, but the amazing luxury of being able to escape to a world of, well, whatever you like while making your journey home, to work, shopping whatever it might be at the time. Though the wonderful privacy of having our own little box, your own little space that is not your home, but often an extension of it, holding, in my case, yoga mats, tennis shoes, I pod, magazines, books, water bottles, bits of clothing, while in high school I began to always make sure I had a swimming suit in my car. Living by the lake and having friends with pools you never knew when you would need it. After moving a mere hour away for college, the habit slowly escaped me, it wasn’t really one I wanted to let go of though, it was a wonderful thought, you never know when it might just be the perfect time for a swim. My freshman year in college I purchased 7 new swimsuits, I loved them, they were a “good deal” (always open to a subjective opinion. My newfound friends at college found that to be the most absurd thing ever, 7! To me, perfect sense. I was always in the water at some point in a day in the summers… was this not normal? Apparently not! No need to worry, since they I have purchased…well, not seven in a year, but they are something that I love. Anyway, from that tangent, I do not know which form of travel I prefer, and it mostly depends on what my location is, in Springfield as well as many other regions of the US it is highly impractical to attempt to depend solely on public transportation unless you are ready to add taxi’s to the mix which drastically increases your spending, and the same goes for London, though the opposite. It is much more fiscally possible to solely depend on public transport. What with is host of transport options, underground, over ground, national rail, DLR and the mass of busses.

independent adventures...

This week I have had off, most of my days off now are alone, since Alex works Monday through Friday and I work sporadic shifts, our days off our unfortunately not often together. So, we have each been forced to do  a bit of exploring solo. We have been visiting slews of new boroughs to find the perfect location. In this exploration there have been wonderful new discoveries and great disappointments. We have unearthed hidden gems that I feel so many Londoners turn their noses up at because they aren't the most known, or maybe at one time had a bad reputation, or "gasp" are south of the river! oh, the horror! Well, we are saying heck with them! We see great potential! Together we explored Muswell hill (north of the river, just up the road from where we live now). It was wonderful, had a small village feel, it isn't on the underground lines, thus making it a bit less traveled through and at a lower price point. We explored this area to quite an extent and fell in love with the rolling hills reminiscent of those in San Francisco. Though after prodding farther we discovered other hidden treasures with plenty to offer, and more space for our money. The next areas of consideration were explored on a day off together, they included Honor Oak Park, Forrest hill, East Dulwich and Dulwich. These areas had pros and con's as well. Honor Oak and Forrest hill simply weren't for us, East Dulwich is lovely as well, definitely one to keep in the running. Dulwich it's self, is a bit out of our price range, though it made me feel like we were back in the States with detached homes, cars in driveways and immaculate gardens. Yesterday I explored the likes of Woolrich Royal Arsenal and Greenwich with a bit of Canary wharf  mixed in. Woolrich, the most amazing development, made me feel the closest to the apartment buildings and complexes I was used to. They are old, heritage listed buildings from the old military grounds re-furbished and made into extraordinary properties. The shops around are in no doubt lacking. I guess I should jump back and explain a bit of what I look for when we are considering area's to live. Proximity to small quaint shops for me to pop in and out of on days off. Area's to wonder about and roam aimlessly while feeling safe, and last but far from least, satisfactory grocers. This can be, waitrose, whole foods, or choice other organic food markets. Though, this is me being a bit picky. Waitrose does deliver, which may become our usual if we move, but one area we simply refuse to compromise on is our food. With that said, Woolrich was lacking in all of the above, other than a wonderful development, which includes gym membership! After becoming annoyed and deciding to head home at treat myself to Indian on the way, I spoke to Alex, we talked about how close Greenwich was... so I reluctantly decided to pass up a wonderful helping of Madras chicken and rice to explore yet another area, one that I most certainty could not live in at the moment, but could explore and pop over to in a moment's notice if we decide to live in Woolrich. I am happy with my decision. As I traveled on the DLR (Docklands light rail) it, is wonderful. For starters, it is new, and it travels over the river, where you can see it. Ah, the water, there is simply something about it. As I got of at Greenwich I struggled to find my way to the all so famous Greenwich village at first, and with out a doubt became distracted at a book shop having a sell out sale (I am proud to say, I withstood any purchases!) I ventured farther, stumbled into the market, in and out of wonderful shops, just the kind I like. Passing by bakeries, op shops and hair dressers. It was a lovely little area. I then stumbled upon a large open courtyard space which drew my interest as it said university, I thought I might pick up yet another university tee-shirt for Alex and see what was around. The book store of University of Greenwich was, well, nothing short of disappointing. Though I then saw a sign for restroom and being that London has so few public toilets I should take advantage of an offer. As I made my way I was greeted by an array of historical memorabilia from the ancient past. Stumbling through it all I happened into a guide shop, picked up a free news paper and read the caption with a photo at the bottom, that was all of the paper I ever did read. It said, after next month 10 (pounds, I cannot figure out where the key is on my computer) to stand on the Meridian line. Me, in my blond ignorance had not registered that I was in Greenwich, like the Greenwich, Greenwich mean time. I walked up to the counter, and asked, how do I get here. The lady just kind of looked at me, pulled out a map, and told me it was where the one was! This became my new mission, why not right. I mean, usually I would have thought, Alex and I should come back and go together, but yesterday was the 22nd! That means it is almost next month! That means it will soon be 10! So, why not make it alone. As I head in what I believe to be the correct direction I stop and ask a guard for direction. Our conversation was a bit odd, I think it went something like this:
Me: Hi, can you tell me what street this is?
Guard: x street, whatever it was, maybe park? Anyway... Where are you trying to go?

Guard: you want to go there?
Me: Ya, sure, why not, right?
Guard: Slight chuckle at my naiveteness OK... look out there, see that red ball...

Here there is a bit of a struggle as the ball is far off and it was quite overcast, I sort of lied and said I saw the ball after some squirming around and him continuing to point in the exact same spot. He told me, this is were I needed to be, at this red ball. So, I head off in the direction, as I walked I half wondered if there really was a red ball or if he was just making me feel like a fool and and full well known that I had lied to him. But then, in the distance on the top of a hill, I spotted the infamous red ball! I made my way to the planetarium with hoards of other people marching to see the spot where time begins. And I stood there, I stood with one foot at East longitude and one in West. This was Greenwich mean time, this was point 0. Wow, what a discovery! A part of me felt as proud of myself for stumbling up on the discovery as thought I were actually the one to discover it. I was so excited, such a fun thing, something I didn't set out to do, blindly didn't think of being there, and naively didn't connect 2+2. Being that I was alone, I had someone take a photo for me. I then continued to explore the museum hosting old clocks and much on Maritime time keeping and location determining. I then bobbed my way through the planetarium and learned about stars, touched a piece of meteorite  that claims to be 4.5 billion years old and saw the wonders of our universe on film. All in all, I feel as though the day was quite the success. We still continue to search through undiscovered (to us) parts of London and accidentally stumble upon treasures that remind me that I live in this wonderful city with so much, literally at your doorstep to reach out and explore.

Baxter...

I have had this week off, and I realized just how long it has been since i have posted. As I had said earlier... we got a dog. This is him
Baxter is his name, and he is... a handful! We
call him the gremlin because he makes some of the oddest noises. He sleeps in a close to coma like state then with the flip of a switch he becomes some hyperactive add psychotic mongrel. He is our favorite when snuggling with us, which he is quite the little lover... and least favorite when he decides to investigate things with his teeth. He does the most adorable little march or like running in place, you can tell that he is so proud of whatever accomplishment it might be. Often times fetching a toy and brining it back to us. We have also realized we speak to him, much the way we would a child. Telling him why something might not be acceptable or to get a toy not to try to rip our sock off our tender feet. He is none the less an adventure and life changing experience.
He makes us laugh to the point of hysteria daily. For example, he was snuggling sleeping next to me the other day, sound asleep, had been for nearly an hour. Alex, at the other end of the couch sneezed, Baxter jumped to all fours and let out a little triple bark/howl! He was on alert, something odd was going on, and he would be there to protect! We of course, had no option but to burst out in laughter. On another occasion we accidently dropped the remote, his legs swept out from under him and the startle on his face was as though a gun shot went off, again hysteria soon followed and our laughter could not be subsided. These are few of the many times he brings great laughter and joy, what a blessing a little furry gremlin is!
Though I have always known Alex would be a great father, I see it all the more in the way he deals with our simple little puppy. He thinks of things that don't even cross my mind. Makes me leave the room when I am taking off nail polish. He will hardly allow me to sit on the couch while eating chocolate in fear that I might drop a bit, knowing me I would. And when my absent mindedness put the empty container of honey into a box that was waiting to be thrown out for trash he had me throw out the whole box and realize that of course the bit of honey left in the container would dribble out, and probably seep through the box, onto the floor... where our precious little monster found it. Oops!
What a wonderful adventure we have set ourselves upon, so many headaches and fits of laughter are sure to follow in the years ahead.

exploration

The past few days have been, a whirlwind of what-if's and what-if-not's... I feel like I have been torn between knowing what I want, what I think I've wanted before, or not want. Just to name a few of these things in limbo: flat in UK, house/flat in the US (Chicago probably), getting a dog, babies, work and the list goes on and on... A few of the decisions have been made, so before anyone freaks out, let me tell you what those things have been so far... 1. No, we are not pregnant, we thought I might be, but two tests have confirmed we are not. 2. totally not related to that answer, we are getting a puppy, tomorrow, Saturday! A boston terrier, and could not be more excited, we haven't decided on a name yet for sure, but will hopefully narrow it down this evening. We're looking at properties both here and Chicago, though at the time we are thinking Chicago might be easier to get on the property ladder, (we would be renting it out for a few years at least, then might more there, but for the time, we are sticking here). 


Don't fear parent's... we do want children, and if it was now, we would be alright with it, but we want to wait a bit longer, do a bit more traveling and build ourselves up a bit more so we can give them the lives you gave us. So for now... you will have to settle for a puppy grandchild. Though, this has been quite an eye opening experience for me, while I feel that I have been one of those people that as a little girl simply could not wait to be a mother, have someone to take care of, look after, etc... I have always loved Children's toys, clothes, books, everything. I am sure part's of it i.e.: the toys and books may be a bit of regression coping mechanism. Though, once I was faced with the fact that this was really happening, when we hadn't planned on it, I knew I would be fine regardless of the answer, but I began to have a great fear. I had a fear of two things, 1. I have come to realize that one of my absolute biggest fears is losing a child, something going wrong during the pregnancy! As I have said before Alex and I are quite organic and very big on natural/slow/fair trade foods these days, but at the very thought of this life change I felt myself drawing into an overboard in this area, probably to the point of driving Alex insane (If I am not already there! :) )  2. My body being taken over, no longer mine. Such a weird thought, and feeling, that I know someday I will have to come to grips with, and will need some advice from those of you whom have gone before me in this adventure! 


Anyway, I will try to keep everyone up to date on property searching and all of the above, and stay posted for photos of the puppy! :) 

What makes you come alive?

This year has been a bit, well, all over the place. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be where I am now! Things are absolutely wonderful, for the most part. Things like not having my group of friends right down the street or my favorite store just a drive away does stink a bit but overall, we're doing well here. Someone was recently speaking about life, and the different sectors, and how they considered that things were going well if 2 out of the 3 were a success for them at the moment. These categories were 1. friends and family 2. Career 3. personal or romantic. I have to say, I have got one for sure... number 3 is going well, I feel like the other two are a bit half way, so... I guess I am doing alright, since the two that are half combine to make a whole. With friends, there isn't a lot more that I can do with my relationships with friends in the states. I would like to actually make some friends here, but that is something that takes time, something that will come naturally. And work, I like most of the people I see on a daily basis, and things are good for the most part, I know I am capable of so much more. There is just something not clicking, part of it is I am sure the wonderful schedule demands in the world of retail, being married and newly married, I simply want to be at home with my husband when he is here, and now that Alex is working too it has only seemed to exaggerate this feeling.
With both how things seem to be going in my mind and in the world with riots and government's being overthrown, and all the chaos that is happening around it is so hard to focus on such minimal "importances" that I feel are almost created to bring some form of validation to peoples lives .  I was speaking to someone recently, trying to give them advice on work, on life, etc... and shared with them one of my favorite quotes. It is from author John Eldredge, "Don't ask yourself what the world needs, ask yourself what makes you come alive. Because what the world needs is people whom have come alive!" (this may not be 100% verbatim.) But I mean, how true! So many people these days are just being, just doing. They aren't passionate about what they are doing, and are most likely unhappy with life if you really get to the root of it. I hate that thought, I refuse to not be alive in my life, in each and every sector of that! I am not sure yet what that looks like specifically. I am blessed and cursed in the regards that there are so many things that excite me, that I am passionate about and that make me feel alive. I just need to actually focus on them and make one or a few of them come to fruition. I hope that everyone reading this is truly alive in their life, and if not, are brave enough to do whatever it takes to make yourself come alive, because that is what the world needs!